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Halloween Special.

The five men descended upon the rocky shore, only to find that there was little ocean to see. Turning back, one of them spotted a curious looking clearing only slightly visible through large crowded rocks. The others followed Dorian through the small opening, but none were prepared for what was there for them to see.

At first glance, she was a crumpled tumble of ash blue cloth and wires. Without touching, or saying anything they examined her from a distance with their eyes. She was certainly very tall, definitely leggy and thin. Too thin. The thin fabric barely covered her, but it concealed what it needed to. Wires of all colors descended from her scalp underneath soft purple hair. Although in a very uncomfortable position on top of sharp rocks she appeared to be sleeping very comfortably. Her skin was milk white, and was similar in texture to a dolphin's. What a strange creature.

"Shall we wake her up?" There was Dorian, all sly smiles and charming English accent. He was so well bred, well dressed....he was everything he should be. The others reveled him that. Of course he would be the one to steal all the fun.
"Perhaps we shouldn't, she could be dangerous, you really never know with these people..."
But Dorian had reached her, was stroking her hair...just slightly. She got up faster than any of them could believe and pushed him easily back at the foot of the ocean. One of the men ran back to find him and the others gaped. She hovered mid-air, she herself was easily ten feet. Her legs were fraekishly long, as were her teeth that she exposed as she smiled. Quickly, in a dash of wires she seized every single one and devoured him. She forgot however, that two men still lived, hiding in the shadows.

She wept in the hospital alone with her young daughter. she fell apart and held her little body close to her chest. Audrey had just been told that her husband had suffered a heart attack and lived....but he was ill and so weak. she was shattered, and gasped for air. people stared but for once,  she could not sustain her mild mannered  compsure. 
Dorian had always been her rock, he took care of her, ever since always. a nurse donning a little white hat and too much makeup told her that he could die if not carefully taken care of. he would need to change his eating habits and lifestyle or he would die. Audrey felt helpless and scared, very much like the child she held in her arms. it was her turn to take care of Dorian, and she couldn't stop shaking.  all she could think was, please don't let him die. her hair fell into her eyes and her eyes stung. she muttered a curse word but it came out as a gasp....a squeak.
a woman from some where tried to comfort her but she pulled away towards the window where she considered jumping from. her heart beat from out of her chest, gripped at a chair and missed. she felt her daughter hugging her from behind, crying. Audrey forgot that Kelly had never seen her like this.

from my project, part one.

Harold watched her, her arms were outstretched beneath the sheets, and he thought she looked like an angel just then. Stella's black hair poured out over her naked shoulders and over her small frame, and somehow she looked so childlike. Remnants of her sadness remained on soft cheeks as he reached out a hand to touch them. her attack had opened something within him that allowed him to finally see the extent of her secret fragility.  her beauty was ensuppassible, but how had she been living this way alone for so long? Harold wanted to take care of her, guide her with the wisdom bestowed upon him from an unknown source. Hell, he loved her and wanted to marry her no matter what....he just had to break through her fear. he wanted to know where the fear had begun. Harold wanted to know a million things more about her. he knew what would make her happy, he knew what might help her break free and regain perhaps some personal strength.
"let's get out of here and build our own cabin." he grinned, and somehow he knew she could see it because she smiled back in the very same way.

I feel anxious and down tonight, it happens to people. small silly things trigger it even when everything is okay, the anxiety persists and insists that everything is going wrong. I can't sleep, and we have to get up early but my body dosent want to rest. I'm sure I'll be okay, I've gone on no sleep before. I'm sure I'll be okay. its just anxiety, and it makes you feel isloated and scared.  trying to rationalize with myself :p
I didn't feel well and wanted to come here and calm down. clint's asleep as worked all day and goes to sleep easier than I.  thinking about doing some writing. have to tell myself that all will be okay. it will be okay, eventually I will feel better and it will pass.

Oct. 22nd, 2014

I'm soo tired today and I can't shake it. we got
starbucks,  which is becoming our treat when we come here together. 

I'm not looking forward to work because I'm usually uncomfortable with who I'm working with. a lot of people there are either teenagers or just unfriendly. I'm really hoping that I actually get transferred soon, it shouldn't take this long.

anyway, things are really awesome up here, we have fun, wer'e silly, and in my off time I write :3 I'm going to really try and do nanowrimo, give it my best shot. I love my new car, drove it around childer's mountain on my own for the first time. that felt....really great. magical even. I finally have my own car....and next year I'll have my liscence. car runs well just smokes when you start it up. that's been checked out though I think and it's ok. when I turned on the radio it came on way loud and a def leppard song was on. I took that as a good sign :)

Oct. 17th, 2014

the last few days have been pretty great with the exception of last night at walgreens. that store has a serious issue with who they employ (undependable high school kids) and schdueling. I don't need this stress and I'm transferring soon as it turns out ....I hope for my sanity and for the sake of not having chest pains that this store has their shit more together and hires actual adults.

had to vent.
anyway, having a great morning and can't wait for our Halloween weekend. celebrating it early :3

going to hopefully get more of my book written and I. can upload some of it and show you guys.

Here's the summary...
the year is 1971, and two young people who have each experienced a tremendous loss meet up and fall in love. Harold and Stella have much in common, but will they stay together and still need each other after they have pieced their worlds back to what they were?

I think what I'm trying to explore with this is people whose relationships have been formed out of one trying to help the other or each other. some of these relationships can last as it turns out but it's just an interesting topic I've come across during the years I guess.  people need the help of others, as much as you want to you can't always do it on your own, and there's. great quote on my profile about that.

as far as work goes for me....I really don't know if I'll be at walgreens long term, and what's going on with starbucks. if I can get mornings at walgreens I might just stay. all will be reveiled with patience.

I'm getting a new job :)

in an hour I''ll be having my interview for starbucks. I'm pretty excited and I wrote a killer cover letter and resume which Clint edited and it looks awesome. despite the slight schdueling issue I will do great, I've got this :)

Living Our Own Way

In light of Fleetwood Mac's "Go Your Own Way," I direct that towards society and the people in it. I don't want to be part of this America, and I want to enjoy life until death on our own plot of land away from others. It's how I feel, and how it always will be. Life directs you in the most honest truths and desires within, not fleeting phases, or indescive journeys. I have learned this, and Ive also learned that life sometimes takes a long winding road to get there but in the end thats okay.

How I feel about who I am is unclear but it isn't as confused as before. I am trying to love and understand myself more and continue to practice self awareness. My SO unknowingly supports this as he understands me emotionally and psychologically as we have a intrinsic-belonging kind of connection. I am working as hard I can to do the right things and do my best at them. I think that I would benefit from a therapist to manage my anxiety better, but I want to see if I can wait until I can drive until I commit myself to see one weekly.

I realize that how we feel about the world and those in it changes throughout our lives, but I feel that I want to dwell and live our lives remotely and away from the eye of society. And I feel that will never change.

I think it's important to nurture ourselves with things and people that are dearest to our heart.

I wish I appreciated my family more than I did in the past, and when I think about it, it's sad to know that I may never see my dad again or enjoy a sunset or a birthday with him in person. We all have our regrets I think...even people that deny them because we aren't perfect and that's okay.

I think it was Gerard Way who said that you'll never be cool so stop trying...
Now that I'm an adult I really appreciate even more that I love things that other twenty five year olds don't, like exploring old graveyards, rainy Manhatten days, my love for Cat Stevens and old music in general ( I mean like my mom's cassette tapes old :D)
There's a million other things that I love and that make me who I am, and I'm really glad that I do and enjoy these things.

I want to live as long as I can and enjoy it with close loved ones doing everything close to our hearts.

Hey, there's somewhere really beautiful I wanted to share with you.



I'm going to go here, I love cemeteries and this must be the most breath taking Iv'e seen. It's probably a half an hour away.
I feel really, incredibly out of place with people. I think it's because, much like Dylan Moran's character in Black Books I hate people and they really annoy me. When I want to make friends with people I feel that I try too hard. Thing is, and I think about this all the time....is that when your'e an adult it's much harder to make friends with people. Most people are excellently socially trained by then and judgmental...not so as open and honest as kids are. On the positive side, Iv'e been graced with a small group of wonderful and compassionate people who would do anything for you. Sometimes I wish I had friends that were closer to my age group (I have a tendency to make friends with people decades older than I.) As much as Harold and Maude as that is, there are reasons behind that. All or most of my interests are mature, as is my attitudes and feelings about things. People also have the tendency to take me under their wing as up until now my life was very scattered and I suffer from anxiety and depression.

It's no wonder that when I go to work I'm really miserable because I'm always around the public, and with younger people (usually or always in high school) whose interests and life purposes does not reflect my own. Regardless of that, I'm looking for a job that's closer to home and that I will hopefully enjoy. I think that part of my depression is because of my being stuck in the career of retail. I yearn to go to college, but will have to wait until Clint finishes college and gets a job, he is willing and wants to support me while I go to college because we both know I can't handle school and work. Knowing that that will probably be two years or so, I need to find a day job that I can stand and do well until we figure out everything job and school related.

As an update though---

Everything else considered, I'm the happiest Iv'e ever been :) I have an amazing significant other, I love his parents, and live with them peacefully (this is not the case for everyone's in laws), and I just got a car and a non-dinosauric cell phone :P